Wondering with Jesus

Have you ever just questioned God and needed Him to answer you like audibly and right now?

You just needed Him to make sense of the world… Make sense of your day, your life, your thoughts.

Yea. That was me and I bet it was you given the state of the world the past two years.

Nothing seems the same. Because nothing is the same.

But what do you do when life doesn’t look the way you thought, and you don’t have the answers? Then what? What do you do when so much of your life has changed and other outside forces seem to control your every decision now? What do you do?

You sit down. You breathe. You re-evaluate your life. You take a long look at where you are and what you have and you finally say…”Ok, God, let’s talk.”

I think we call can say that the past two years has caused us to re-evaluate some things. I don’t know about you but these past two years were just plain hard for me. I just had too many questions, thoughts, fears and wonderings about my life. I mean a  lot of things. It sure has caused me to rethink about my life and what my life means. I mean really means.

I have been pondering over and over for the past two years the state of my life and purpose. Why am I really hear? What am I really supposed to be doing with my life? What impact am I making? I have been thinking about family and what that means living with them every day. I had friends that died. Heard of acquaintances that died and it made me really think about my life and past relationships and failures with people. I looked at friendships and what they mean. Goals, dreams, hopes for the future and more. What do they all mean?

Here are my candid thoughts on a few of these. Thoughts that are addressed in a sobering way. Maybe just talking this out will help you to rethink or take a real long hard look at your life too.

Family

Ok, this is sobering and candid. Family is a word that hurts for me. Just hearing the word brings pain.

Wow, did I just confess this in the blog. Oh well…. But it does.  

I think it hurts because I don’t have any family but my two sons. I mean I have family but I don’t speak to family and they don’t speak to me. No one just reaches out to talk. When they do its all-out war. The pandemic didn’t bring me closer to family. Any family. Family is so important to me but not to the people around me. That is sobering.

I am wondering did I do that?

Did I cause that?

Family should be close. Should be loving. Should be a lot of things but for a lot of us family is not that. So, its painful for me. I literally hurt mentally when I hear the word family. I can’t fix the family issues. So, I must learn to navigate family and take what we get and love those we can love.

Love your family dear reader. Time is short. Love them all.

My Life

I have been doing a lot of thinking about what I want to do and see in the world. The pandemic taught me that I need to live. Really live. I need to live my gifts, talents and dreams. I need to reach for that goal and get it. I need to step out on things I am afraid to do. I need to be determined to love people and give of myself. I need to try something new.   I need to end well. I need to end my life empty. Lived my purpose and live it wel.

It taught me that I need to not put my life on hold anymore. I wasn’t going to live in the past anymore and just let go of things I couldn’t change. Just accept what is and keep going. Go to whatever God has for me. Stop trying to change the family members and people around you I told myself. It set me free to live.

Friendship

This is a tough one.  Friendship has always been hard for me. Not sure why of this either. Maybe because I was picked on, bullied, so bad as a little girl. This one has been tested in me this past year too. Friendships look different. Lost a lot of them due to churches closing or shutting down. That family church bond I had is gone. If it’s there it is not the same. I grieved losing my church family. So did others.

You may have seen it too. Just the disconnect with people. But, I have to ask myself… “did I stay connected too”. It was hard to maintain friendships in the pandemic. Some people were not seeing people. They had health issues that put them at risk.

Some people hunkered down in depression and didn’t want to see people. It was hard to maintain some of the relationships. Others were hard because people took the pandemic and just rested. No phone contact.  They loved it. (that wasn’t me) You saw who tolerated you and who celebrated you in this crazy season. Then there were others that made new friends. Either way, it was a test too.  I have tried to be friends with people that just don’t want to be friends. I am thinking of getting to know my neighbors this year. Maybe have a Bible study or craft time or something.

It’s Not Forever

Finally, I leave you with this. We are coming into a new season. Nothing, no trial, lasts forever. Make your life the best you can make it. Think soberly about what you are doing and why. Breathe life into your life again. It is worth the living even in the questions and wonderings.