Setting boundaries can sometimes be considered controversial. Some Christians might have been taught that setting boundaries is selfish, or that doing so shows a lack of love in their hearts. It might be seen as punishing the other person and refusing to forgive transgressions.

Jesus tells us to turn the other cheek, to walk the extra mile, to forgive seventy times seven, but is there ever a time when enough is enough? When do we set boundaries that still reflect the love of Christ? And if there is a time for that, how do we do this and remain within the constraints of what Jesus teaches us? 

4 Important Questions About Setting Boundaries

1.) Do boundaries contradict God’s command to treat people with love?

But he would withdraw to desolate places and pray.

Luke 5:16

Let’s look at what Jesus shows us about having boundaries. At times, He withdrew Himself from crowds of people. When He was in much demand, when He was stretched to His physical limit, He withdrew. 

One thing to remember is that He withdrew in order to pray. Jesus never is mentioned as withdrawing just to get away from people as if they were annoying Him. He got into isolation in order to pray and regroup spiritually. He was intentional with his time. It had a purpose and a set end time. He came back into ministry afterwards, refreshed and ready to reach out again. 

Setting boundaries might mean telling people something they don’t want to hear. 

Jesus also spoke hard truths to those who needed to hear it. He addressed issues when they were happening, not letting things pile up and then bursting into an angry tirade. His boundary-setting was appropriate, timely, and addressed to the person who needed to hear it.

2.) Are boundaries a sign of having an unforgiving heart?

Keep your heart with all vigilance,
for from it flow the springs of life.

Proverbs 4:23

I believe as well that setting boundaries is part of guarding our heart, as we learn in Proverbs 4:23. Guarding our heart means we pay attention to what we are subjected to, we don’t put our heart out there for just anyone to grab hold of. It means we are mindful of who we allow in and what we allow our heart to listen to. 

So are these a sign that we are not forgiving someone? Think back again on the example Jesus gave us. His boundaries were purposeful, and were not a punishment. He did not isolate Himself in order to get back at someone or to make them feel bad. Having those boundaries gave Him guardianship of His own heart.

Wanting to punish someone is a sign of not having forgiven them. But if you’re setting a boundary with the proper heart attitude, then it’s not about punishing the other person. It’s about maintaining a healthy relationship, one which does not treat either person unfairly. 

3.) If boundaries are exemplified by Christ and included in commands, then what are appropriate boundaries for a Christian?

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.

James 1:5

In everything we do, we ought to ask God for wisdom, and this is no different. James 1:5 says that if we find ourselves in need of wisdom, just ask God and he will give it to us liberally and without scolding or criticism. He Wants us to ask him for wisdom. So ask how and when to set boundaries with other people. 

I think it’s important to define boundary-setting. We cannot control someone else’s actions. We only control our own reactions and responses. Setting a boundary is actually setting our response ahead of time, it is anticipating someone else’s behavior and determining how we respond to that behavior. 

Jesus responded to the press of the crowds by taking Himself off into a place alone to pray. He did not tell people to leave Him alone, He took Himself out of the situation. Setting His boundary was His responsibility. The action was His to take. 

A healthy boundary might be as simple as walking yourself out of a situation if the other person chooses to step over the preset line. 

Related Post: 5 Ways to Guard Your Heart & Find Peace After a Hurtful Relationship

4.) How do we go about setting boundaries?

Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ…

Ephesians 4:15

Ephesians 4:15 tells us to speak the truth in love. Everything we do and say should be seasoned with love.

Boundaries are a sign of loving the other person. It means you want to continue the relationship, but that you acknowledge that it needs to be done within healthy parameters. Setting a healthy boundary requires a conversation or two. It takes communication.

And setting healthy boundaries ought to be an encouragement toward mutual growth. It reaches out to the other person and asks them to grow alongside you.

Good boundaries can set your relationship onto a healthy, God-focused trajectory, allowing you to grow closer to God together. 

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If you liked this blog post, you’ll also love our anthology, Candid Conversations. While each story shares a unique perspective, the prevailing theme is that while we all struggle, there is hope to be found in Jesus. 

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