Let’s speak candidly here, right from the start. I was a lesbian for eleven years, then I was single and celibate for a year and a half. Then I got married. I had two kids (already had one prior to the marriage) and three miscarriages. Stayed with him for six years and then I left. A year and half after I left him, I realized that I hadn’t actually gotten away from my past.
While that might seem like it sums everything up rather nicely, the truth is, I’ve spent quite a while now feeling like an utter disaster, a leper among other believers. You see, I left the lesbian life after I returned to my faith and I was certain that once I married my soon to be ex-husband, that I would never have to worry about that again.
For six years I didn’t worry about it. I wasn’t tempted and really, the only person that brought it up was him. He used it against me to make me feel less than he was. He used it to say that he was somehow different than other men who would never marry me given that past. And, I believed him. I believed I didn’t deserve any better than he had to offer. But, I wasn’t thinking about returning to women back then either.
Imagine my surprise when a year and a half after I left him I found myself wishing to return to that old life. I hated that about my mind, and apparently my heart. I know God. I love God. I want to serve Him and be faithful to Him and abide in His commands and walk in the old ways, the straight and narrow. I couldn’t understand why my mind and broken heart would betray me with their desires.
You know that verse, be careful lest you think you stand (1 Corinthians 10:12)? Yeah, I thought I was over that struggle, that this particular sin had been squashed and burnt at the marriage altar. And to see it returned just filled me with some of the greatest loneliness and disappointment I have ever experienced (I’ve got quite a story).
[ctt template=”2″ link=”15Y4H” via=”no” ]”Dealing with same sex attraction (SSA) and being a Christian, and walking in community with a church family terrified me.” ~ Ginny Mink[/ctt]
Dealing with same sex attraction (SSA) and being a Christian, and walking in community with a church family terrified me. The people at the church I attended knew about my past and had, over the years, learned to accept me for who I was. But, I was safe then, I was married after all and must have therefore been reformed. When I left my husband and shaved all my hair off (in mourning like Job) they thought I was immediately returning to a lesbian life. That judgment and assumption shattered my heart. I wasn’t even considering that at the time.
The Church Saw Me As A Leper…
So, when the desires did return, I knew that I was essentially a leper there. I was going to be the untouchable one. The person people are afraid to be around because, heaven forbid, “she might like me.” It is really kind of self-centered that people think that those with SSA are attracted to them. We don’t want every individual of the same sex that we meet. Just like hetero people don’t want all of those in the opposite sex category. It’s a lame assumption, but it is one that exists.
Anyway, because I was afraid of their judgment, afraid I would be “unclean” like the lepers in the Bible, I left that church. I didn’t even give them the chance to reject me. I didn’t give them the chance to suffer and walk alongside me either. Fear of them seeing the thing I hate most about myself drove me away.
While I wish that I could just jump on the bandwagon of those denominations and non-denominations that are standing up for those who are out, I cannot. I know what the Bible says about homosexuality. I know that no amount of conventional reasoning or times-have-changed argumentation can change the Word of God. It’s not like He didn’t know there were people who would have this struggle in life. He designed His Word to tell them that it’s a struggle, it’s a thorn in their sides, that they will have to battle for purity and holiness’ sake. We cannot negate where God stands on the topic.
Do I like this “cross” I bear? No. Do I wish He would radically remove it from my very core? Absolutely. And, maybe one day He will. But, even if He doesn’t, the fact remains, His Word is infallible. I cannot change it and I don’t want to disobey it.
I’d be lying if I said I don’t fall. My thought life is not nearly as pure as it should be. But, I have remained out of that life for nearly ten years and with His grace and power (which are sufficient for me) I will stay on His path; He makes the crooked ways straight.
4 Ways to Help & Support Someone Who is Struggling With Same Sex Attraction
So, here’s the thing I think many of you are wondering, “How do I help someone who is struggling with SSA?” Let me first delineate a very significant difference. Those who call themselves gay, and all the other politically correct words that are attached to that label, are not struggling with same sex attraction, they are embracing it.
That means, when I tell you how to help someone who’s struggling, I am not talking about your gay friend (though these recommendations are great for people with all sin conditions). I am talking about someone who has acknowledged that SSA is a sin and wants to remain pure and holy and not involved in said sin.
1.) Show Us The Love of Jesus
Now that we have that understood, the greatest helps for me have been three dear friends. One of them, my BFF, of 26 years, has pretty much lived through everything with me and never judged me or loved me less in anything. She’s been a supreme example of Christ’s love. Be that for your friend. Love them through every bit of it, but don’t be afraid to tell them “go and sin no more” either.
2.) Be a Safe Place
Another, has her own history, she gets the temptations that lie within other people. She’s not always an advice giver, in fact, she rarely is. But, she is a wonderful comforter. She is not afraid of me. She’s not scared I’m going to hit on her. She knows that when I need a hug, it’s because I want to bawl and don’t want to be alone. And, she has no problem opening her arms to me. I am not a leper in her sight. Be a safe, comforting place for your friend.
3.) Hold Us Accountable
And the third, well, she’s the one that asks me the hard questions. When I contemplate walking into situations and circumstances that are certainly ill-advised, she smacks me with questions that make me want to smack her. But, they are valid, they are thought-provoking and they are convicting. Build a relationship with your friend that first establishes the fact that you love him/her, but then ensure that you can always stick to truth and that you are bold enough to ask those tough questions.
4.) Let Us Know You Aren’t Afraid or Ashamed
I recently met someone who actually volunteered to go with me to a meeting for people struggling with SSA. This is not her issue, but she was not embarrassed by my sin. She wasn’t concerned about what the people at that church might think was going on in her life. It was really quite an amazing offer. Show your friend that you are not afraid to do life with him/her. That you are not ashamed to call him/her friend. It will make a bigger difference than you can imagine.
The Bottom Line?
The bottom line is to let us know we aren’t lepers in your sight. Broken parts of the Body are still parts of the Body and we need healing as much as any other. Remember unity. Jesus heals the lepers too.
[ctt template=”2″ link=”wbGz1″ via=”no” ]4 ways to help someone who is struggling with same-sex attraction[/ctt]
P.S. There’s a ministry at livehope.org that has so many resources for those who struggle with same-sex attraction and those who love people who do (parents specifically). If you are looking for more help on this subject, be sure to check it out!
About The Author
Ginny Mink is an author, journalist, poet, teacher, and speaker. Her blog, DelightAbideLove.com, offers real life looks at Scripture and struggles. And, her books are available on Amazon.
Books for Related Reading
(Reminder: We use Amazon affiliate links)
There’s a fifth suggestion I should have made, and that is to reach out to livehope.org. They have resources for those struggling and those who love someone who is.
Thanks for being our guest, Ginny! I added that link to the end of the blog post.
Wow, Ginny – thank you so much for opening your heart & exposing your struggles and letting us in. I believe you sharing your story so candidly will be helpful to countless Christian women by helping us to understand how we can love and support people we encounter who are struggling with SSA, but seeking to obey & glorify God with their lives. God bless you!
Thanks, Jaime. It is sometimes hard to open up that aspect of my life as there is always a fear of rejection or revulsion. However, I see the value in believers bonding regardless of their sin struggles. Thanks for reading!
Ginny, what a testimony. I have gay acquaintances and have never had a problem with being acquainted with them. I think nowadays though people have a problem with the gay community bc some of them try desperately to force others to accept this lifestyle and when they see that someone doesn’t agree with it then they think we hate them, and this just isn’t the case with many people.. Thanks for sharing your story, Ginny. Keep leaning on Jesus. So glad you have good friends to see you through it.
Thanks, Debbie. And yes, there is certainly a bit of “force” coming from both sides. However, Jesus calls us to love each other. That doesn’t mean we condone one another’s sin and that’s a fine line to walk. Keep loving!
Ginny, I love your transparency in this post and I appreciate how you explained the difference between struggling with and embracing SSA. Thank you for sharing your story and practical ways to help and support someone struggling with this (or other sins.)
Laura, transparency isn’t something I am particularly good at, but it is something that we all must learn if we are to find healing. He often uses other people to be that love and safety we need when we open ourselves up. And, yes, there’s a significant difference between the two!
My oldest is a lesbian. While I know that this isn’t God’s best for her, I also know that God won’t ever let her go. Thank you for your vulnerability.
Alice, that’s a hard place to be as a mother, I am sure. I would suggest that you reach out to http://www.livehope.org as they offer a plethora of supports for family members and friends in the lifestyle. I suspect you will find both value and comfort there. You are not alone and don’t stop praying for her!
Thank you for sharing how to help and support! This is an important topic, we are all sinful and God holds us all accountable for where we miss the mark.
I’m thankful that you shared this post!
Julie, I am glad you found value in it!
Thank you so much for your honesty! The church should be a place where everyone can hear truth and feel love, but unfortunately, that doesn’t always happen.
I agree 100% with your statement, “I know that no amount of conventional reasoning or times-have-changed argumentation can change the Word of God. It’s not like He didn’t know there were people who would have this struggle in life. He designed His Word to tell them that it’s a struggle, it’s a thorn in their sides, that they will have to battle for purity and holiness’ sake. We cannot negate where God stands on the topic.”
I think when it comes to temptations we don’t personally face, it can be awkward trying to help others who do struggle in those areas. I struggle with fear and anxiety, and those that tell me to “calm down” or “trust God more” don’t really offer much comfort. I love your ideas on being supportive and not being ashamed!
Raeann, I am sorry about your struggles and I’m sure those comments are completely useless. I think sometimes we serve one another better when we simply listen. Pat answers become annoying. Keep seeking Him!
Thank You for your beautiful insight into a topic that needs to be discussed. We are all lepers in need of healing including me. Praise Jesus He loves enough to heal us.
Yes, Sheila, praise Jesus! I have been ridiculed for my leper comparison, but I just wanted people to understand how alone this particular struggle often feels. We have a propensity to demonize one sin over another and forget that Jesus died for ALL of them. Thanks for reading!