Letting Go of Fear When Everything Falls Apart

The doctor didn’t need to say the words. I remember her eyes more than her voice when we got the diagnosis: Stage Four. Not long.

From diagnosis to death, he had six weeks.

Fifteen years of love. And then suddenly… an ending.

The beginning of fear set in, a lie straight from Satan.

Life Changes

The small apartment I moved to after selling our home was a type of quiet I wasn’t used to, an emptiness I felt all the way through to my bones. I stood in the middle of the living room, still in yesterday’s clothes, listening to the silence except for the steady hum of the refrigerator and the creak of the old pipes behind the walls, with my arms crossed like I was holding myself together–because something had to.

The ache in my chest wasn’t just grief anymore. It had settled into my body.

I’d just been diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. My whole body hurt. My heart hurt. I hadn’t smiled in weeks, maybe longer. I dropped to my knees right there on the worn carpet. No plan for a prayer. Just a sob that rose up from somewhere deep and guttural.

“God,” I whispered, “I can’t do this. I thought I could… I always do… but I can’t. Not anymore. Not without Your help.”

Letting Go of Fear

That day was the start of letting go of fear.

But the obedience part?

That came later. And it came quietly, over coffee.

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One day I sat outside a café in a small town I had lived in briefly after Ron’s death, sipping coffee in the breeze. I looked across the courtyard and saw a church I had once visited. It hadn’t felt right then, and I finally understood why.

I knew it was time to work on the inside of me.

God had brought me this far, but I began to realize I was still holding on to parts of the past. That was preventing me from moving forward and living a good life in the present.

“I can’t do this on my own strength,” telling myself I had little to grab onto.

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Moving Forward

For 15 years following his death, I’d been clinging to what had been–Ron, our life. In my isolation, I’d read back through old journals and found little epiphanies, God stories, gentle nudges showing me it was time to build life anew. Satan’s strongholds began to lose hold.

Gaining ground on my physical health with PT and better eating, I was able to get a grip on my pain and fatigue.

How amazing it was to walk at a nearby park. God being my steady cane, was holding my hand as well as my heart.

Learning to Trust God

The genuine, real healing came in following God and although I was attending church and in a small group Bible study, as I studied more of the Bible, I came to understand I was not surrendering fully to God.

Isaiah 58:11 promises us: “The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.” (NIV)

And that’s when I knew: true healing wasn’t complete just yet.

Surrendering as a daily decision. Each day I needed to say yes again, know I am loved and can come just as I am, receive what I need.

By recognizing that I needed to trust God, I could let go of the hold Satan had on me that kept me from God’s presence.

The safety net I clung to, the false sense of control I bound myself to wasn’t catching me anymore. God was willing to catch me by holding out His unconditional love as He always has, waiting patiently. And knowing I belonged to Him, I could approach Him with childlike confidence.

Then my heart opened.

Committing Myself to Jesus

I knew I needed to move past the scars of losses and back to Him. “I’m ready now God!” And that’s when I knew, in an ultimate act of letting go of fear I surrender to God, I decided to get baptized.

I can vividly see and feel the emotions I went through. Stepping into the baptismal tank something broke loose in me, something I didn’t know I was still carrying.

The grief.

The guilt of wasted time.

The clinging to what had been.

It all rose up like a wave I couldn’t stop.

My spiritual mentor and the Women’s Ministry Leader Yvonne smiled and then she immersed me. When I came up out of the water, I felt quenched.

Related Post: Fighting Satan’s Schemes with the Gospel of Jesus

Letting Go of Fear and Learning to Trust God

After much searching and holding God’s hand, I am in the present and trusting in the future. Welcomed into a church that is life for me.

God has been good to me by providing a family of believers who have held me up over the years, and with His help, brought me to a good place right beside Him.

As I hold my arms up in praise during our worship singing, I give glory to God and pray I can witness to others of hope to come.

There is life after loss, heartache, diagnosis.

My open heart can trust again with the strength of my God; He is my firm safety net until my resting place beside Him in eternity.

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Extinguishing the Spirit of Fear

If fear and anxiety are things you struggle with, let’s walk this path together and find help.

What you’ll find in these pages isn’t a quick fix or a one size fits all solution. No. You might not find anything, in fact. Or you may just find your whole being re-oriented at your deepest level. You may find that peace you’ve always been looking for.

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