5 Steps to Silencing Your Inner Critic

I don’t know about you, but I have a very loud Inner Critic. She doesn’t let me get away with much without speaking (or shouting) accusations and condemnation regarding mistakes I’ve made or things I’ve failed to accomplish. I know sometimes she is fueled by Satan’s lies, but there’s also a healthy dose of my own sinful nature and perfectionism sprinkled in there. Let’s face it, it’s sometimes hard to tease away what is from ourselves and what is from the Enemy – but none of it is in alignment with God’s truth.

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.

Romans 8:1-2 (NIV)

I remember a breakthrough I had while visiting my dad and stepmom, Chon. Chon was buzzing around the kitchen cooking and putting away dishes and all the things moms do when company is around. At some point she dropped a glass and it shattered on the tile floor. 

I waited…and…nothing. 

No self-deprecation. No harsh words aimed at herself. No eye-rolling or head-shaking. She simply picked up the glass and kept doing what she’d been doing.

Facing Your Inner Critic

Now this might seem totally normal to you. If that’s the case, let me shake your hand or pat your back or something, because I feel like you deserve it for being confident and having the grace for yourself to just let it go. But for me, this was a moment of revelation. The fact that I was so surprised at Chon’s lack of negative self-talk revealed to me that I had a real problem.

Fast forward a year or so later and I was talking with a CliftonStrengths counselor. I mentioned this telling encounter with my stepmother and asked him what he thought. Immediately he said something that blew my mind:

You need to make peace with your Inner Critic. 

He didn’t say I needed to kick her to the curb, take away her voice or even ignore her. I needed to make peace with her. And honestly it was the first time I’d thought of “her” as a “she” and not an extension of my own thoughts. 

This process revolutionized how I see myself and deal with negative self-talk, so I want to share it with you.

Related Post: 5 Things You Need to Know About Taming the Tongue

5 Steps to Silencing Your Inner Critic

1. Give Her a Name

The first thing I had to do was give her a name. By doing this, I was able to separate these negative thoughts about myself from my own identity. I know it sounds a little woo-woo, and feel free to skip this part. But by giving a persona to your Inner Critic, you can deal with “her” in a way that is clean and compartmentalized. 

My Inner Critic reminds me of Miss Hannigan from the musical-turned-movie Annie (the Carol Burnett version), so that’s what we’ll call her. She is harsh, quick to criticize, and I can literally do nothing right when she’s around. 

2. Recognize Her Motives

The next thing I had to do was recognize Miss Hannigan’s motives. The counselor gave me a hint: 

You have to recognize that your Inner Critic emerged to protect you in some way.

When I thought about this, I realized that every time Miss Hannigan criticizes me, it’s because she is trying to protect me from being wounded by the criticism of others. It’s kind of like tough love – if she brings it to my attention in the safe space of my mind, I’ll either change the behavior that isn’t ideal, or self-deprecate so I beat everyone around me to the punch instead of being blindsided by the criticism of others. 

The problem is this: there are very few (if any) people around me who are anywhere near as critical as Miss Hannigan! So I basically walk around being verbally abused in my mind for nothing. But something happened when I understood the motive. It’s like near the end of the movie Annie when Miss Hannigan’s humanity comes out: Annie is in danger, and Miss Hannigan has enough of the con artists posing as Annie’s parents and tells them to leave her alone.

Recognizing the motives of my Inner Critic prepared my heart to forgive her.

3. Forgive Her

This part isn’t always easy. When you’ve been tormented for years by your Inner Critic, it can be as hard to forgive “her” as it would be a real, live person in your life who has hurt you. This is where it’s so important to invite God (and maybe even a counselor if you are really struggling) into this process. 

I found forgiving my Inner Critic in the form of a prayer to God was really helpful. It went something like this:

Lord, help me to fully forgive my Inner Critic. I believe she emerged as a way to protect me from the criticism of others, and to help me recognize valid areas of my life that need improvement. She just went too far. I choose to extend the same grace to her as you have extended to me by sending your Son Jesus to pay the penalty for my sins. I ask for your help, Lord, in taking every thought captive and making it obedient to Christ. Amen.

Let’s face it, this forgiveness of our Inner Critic is actually forgiving ourselves. Creating the persona of an Inner Critic is a tool to process our emotions and to frame the way we do self-talk. But honestly, I sometimes find forgiving myself harder than forgiving others. With God’s help, all things are possible.

4. Thank Her… Then Give Her a New Voice (based on Scripture!)

This was the best part for me. I recently processed this with a friend verbally. If I had written this part as a letter in my journal (which might be helpful for you), this is what it would have said:

Miss Hannigan,

Thank you for trying to protect me. I know you meant well, and you probably did save me from being blindsided by others’ criticism sometimes. But I’m strong. I have Jesus in my life and he gives me strength. His voice is the only one that matters. When others criticize me, I can take it because I am certain of who I am and Whose I am. I don’t need you to criticize me any more. 

When I make mistakes, from now on your job is to strengthen me by reminding me that I am a Daughter of the King, loved for who I am apart from anything I’ve ever done or will ever do. From now on, instead of protecting me by toughening me up through criticism, your job is to strengthen me by reminding me of biblical truth. 

With Gratitude,

Jaime

5. Be the Boss

By the time I got to this point, I no longer felt like my Inner Critic was an authority figure. Instead, she was taking orders from me. Basically, I was battling lies with truth. I went from Victim to Victor… and it felt great. 

I still struggle with my Inner Critic. Just the other day she got out of control and I had to re-process some of the things I shared with you. But the thing that always brings me back to a healthy place is catching those negative thoughts early, taking them captive, and making them obedient to Christ.

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. – 2 Corinthians 10:5 (NIV)

Join the Conversation

So how about you? Do you have a loud Inner Critic? Do you think any of these steps could help you deal with her? Let us know in the comments! 

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