I was ready to give up. My head hurts so bad. I started counting the cost. Not just the cost, but the worth.
I begged the hospital staff to let me go because my family needed me. But then I got home and my head hurt so bad I couldn’t get out of bed. I was useless. Sure, they loved me and were happy to see me, but I wasn’t needed. And it’s a good thing I wasn’t.
Life is hard… is it really worth it? @_HeatherHart is counting the cost and measuring the worth. Click To TweetMy Story…
Nine months ago I was on the top of the world. Hiking in the mountains of Colorado with my churches youth group and my family. Loving Jesus and living life to the fullest.
We had moved from Denver to our small Texas town back in 2012 and small-town living suited us. Texas suited us. We missed the mountains, but we still got out and went hiking at least once a month. Life wasn’t always easy, but I breathed deep. I knew true happiness and contentment.
And then I got a headache that just wouldn’t go away… and it changed my entire world.
I had no idea that first couple of days that I would still be dealing with it over six months later, but here I am. I was hospitalized again at the end of January and I’m sitting here writing this blog post while wearing sunglasses because I can’t bear to look at the computer screen.
So why am I?
Giving Up On Life Would Be Easier
For months I clung to Jesus. I pushed through the pain living for Him no matter what came my way. But then January came around, and it was like one thing after another. It would seem like we were getting relief, only to be hit again, only harder. To spare you the “woe is me” story, we can fast-forward to the night when I was counting the cost and questioning my worth.
I was ready to give up. I was lying in bed trying to think of graceful exit strategies for everything God has called me to. But those last five words stopped me in my tracks.
Did God really call me to these things?
If so, who was I to throw in the towel? Was I playing right into Satan’s hand? Letting him win?
Because I know the end of the story, and he loses.
Why let him win this battle when he has already lost the war.
I Can’t, But God Can
If God has called me to write a blog, or a book, or serve at my church, or minister to my family, or be a light even when my head hurts this bad, who am I to turn away from that. Jesus carried His cross to Calvary (for me). Surly I can survive this migraine until God relieves my pain. Because God can, but His ways are higher than my ways and He hasn’t.
So, if God really wants the books He has called me to write to be written, it will be in His strength, not mine, because my strength is gone. I am at the end of me. I have been for weeks. I am spent.
But God’s not.
I have good days and bad days, but every day I can count on Jesus to be with me. Whether I am sitting at my computer writing in sunglasses or lying in bed crying in pain. I know I am loved by God and there is a purpose to this pain. I know He has called me to keep pressing on, even when it would be easier to just call it quits.
I may not have all the answers. I may never get relief. But I can always trust in Jesus, who died on the cross for me.
How Do You Cope When You Are Feeling Down?
Life is hard. Everyone gets overwhelmed sometimes. So what helps you when you are feeling down? Is there a Bible verse you turn to? Praise and worship music that helps? Do you talk to a friend? Or do you count your cost and remember your calling as I did?
We would love to hear from you in the comments below.
How do you cope when you're feeling down? Click To TweetNote: I am not suicidal. When I was ready to give up on life, I just wanted to crawl in a hole and never get back out. Sometimes, a good spiritual pep-talk is all you need, but clinical depression is a real thing. And Christians can get depressed. If you are severely depressed you should seek professional help from a doctor or trained counselor. And if you are considering suicide, please call 800-273-TALK (8255), or text NAMI to 741-741. You can also check out this open letter Valerie wrote to her past suicidal self.
*Originally published February 15th, 2018
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I love your ending to this. We may not have the strength, but if God has called us to something, He will enable us to complete it!
Amen! Sometimes we just need to be reminded of God’s promises.
Hi Heather, I think you are giving Satan an even bigger headache than you have right now. I imagine him completely frustrated yelling “This woman is almost as much of a pain as Job was!” Whatever God as for you on the other side of this suffering must be pretty amazing for Satan to work so hard to bring you down., yet you praise Him and lift others even as you suffer. In a similar situation, I crumbled. I hope next time I will remember how to cling to Jesus.
Oh Valerie, I sure felt like I crumbled last week. It was rough to be sure. But that’s why Jesus came, God knew we couldn’t do it on our own.
Oh Heather I love you and your strength please do not give up. There is a purpose to all this pain. God is faithful to heal.
I agree. It’s been rough, but God is good.
You are a real example of walking by faith and not by sight. As a sufferer of chronic pain, I know that the spiritual battle to give up is fierce!
Thanks, Alice. Sometimes it’s just nice to know you don’t suffer alone.
By the end of each work week I am emotionally spent and running only on God’s strength because of the trauma I sit with in my therapy office. I can’t but God can, indeed!
I can only imagine, Melissa. So thankful God doesn’t leave us to walk through this life alone.
It is difficult for me to push through pain. It tends to sideline me. I have found relief from chronic migraine with acupuncture. I’ll pray for you to find relief!
I have good days and bad days. Some days I am willing to push through the pain, others I’m just completely wiped by it. I just have to trust that God can help me keep moving forward in His timing.
Heather- I feel so bad about your headaches. I hope God sends healing to you soon!
This post really resonated with me as I’ve been there. I just kept walking in faith and believing God would bring them through!
That’s all we can do. Just keep leaning on Jesus.
This weeks was “one of those weeks for me”. And I have been in 2 Timothy all week. His word can not be chained (bound, imprisoned), and even if we are faithless, He is faithful have been staples along with basically the whole rest of the book!
Amen! I am so thankful for God’s faithfulness.
Heather, I can so relate to feeling spent and living with zero energy or strength, due to having M.E and chronic illness. And there are days when pain is a huge challenge and I have to lie down for hours in a darkened room. So I truly sympathise with all you are going through and what it’s like to trust that God can heal but isn’t healing us yet. Yet you also show great inner courage and resilience in sharing the hard and seeing how God is teaching you about His ways and power while you feel powerless. May you continue to be a faithful witness for Him, as you wait for greater healing to come. Blessed to visit from the #graceandtruth link up today.
Thanks, Joy. Praying God continues to strengthen you as well.
What a wonderfully honest story. Thank you for sharing it, and for being transparent and real with your pain. And thank you for the reminder. Satan has lost the war, so why do we allow ourselves to play into his hands? Great reminder!
Thanks, Joan! Sometimes we just have to remind ourselves of what we know to be true.
This is a beautiful post. I believe that the key is to pray. Jeremiah 30:17 says that “I will restore health unto thee and I will heal thee of thy wounds.”
Thanks for stopping in, Janice!