Conflict Resolution: How Learning to Be Right and Wrong Saved My Marriage
This post about conflict resolution, Candid guest and marriage therapist, Kia Gutierrez, gets candid and shares how she handles conflict in her own marriage.
We were on opposite sides of the kitchen island. I was standing. He was sitting. My arms were crossed. His eyes were down.
We don’t usually fight. And when we do, it rarely lasts longer than a few hours. But here we were—heading into day two of an argument that neither of us could seem to crack open. Exhausted, emotionally depleted, and silently unraveling, we both knew something was off. But neither of us was willing to budge.
Our three kids were playing in the living room just feet away, and the sound of their laughter only deepened the ache in my chest. We’ve never used the word “divorce,” but in that moment, the silence between us felt heavier than any fight we’d ever had.
It loomed.
What if we couldn’t work this out? What if he couldn’t see me? Where was the man who used to finish my sentences, who had my back without needing a reason?
I felt like I was standing across from a stranger.
As a marriage and family therapist, this was the kind of moment I help other people walk through. I knew all the “tools.” I tried every communication skill, every emotional validation technique in the book. But nothing was working. And that scared me.
I started mentally running numbers. How much would I need to make if I was on my own? How would we parent with a schedule instead of shared space? I couldn’t believe I was even thinking like that—but when you hit that kind of wall, your mind scrambles for the emergency exits.
Shifting from Conflict to Conflict Resolution
The shift didn’t happen all at once. It started the next morning with a few awkward, emotionally raw texts. Face-to-face felt too tender, too risky. But texting forced us to think through our words and filter out some of the hurt. And in those messages, something finally gave way.
We stopped fighting to be understood and started fighting to understand.
I asked myself: What little part of what he said could I agree with?
He asked: What part of her experience am I missing?
We shifted from defending our own “rightness” to exploring each other’s perspective. We found slivers of unity buried beneath hours of angry dialogue and misfired assumptions.
And that’s when things began to thaw.
That evening, we sat down together. Our eyes were puffy, our hearts still aching. It hurt to look at him—not because I didn’t love him, but because I did. And I had felt unseen. And so had he. But we were at the table again, emotionally worn and still showing up.
That’s where the real work started.
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Owning Assumptions and Misunderstandings
We didn’t begin with accusations or a tally of wrongs. We started with misunderstandings.
“I was wrong to hear you say this when you actually meant that.”
He responded, “I was wrong to assume you meant that when you said this.”
It was painful. Humbling. And holy.
We took turns gently repackaging our intentions in language the other could understand. We asked for clarification, even when it stung. Even when the voices in our heads screamed, Why can’t you just get it?!
Eventually, we reached the core. Underneath all the arguments and triggers and pain, we were still us. Still the safe, loving people who had built a life together. Still the ones who stayed up late dreaming and praying over our children.
We weren’t enemies. We were just two hurting people who happened to hit an old wound at the same time, in the same place.
And here’s the part I want you to hear clearly:
We were both right, and we were both wrong.
We were both hurting, and we were both causing hurt.
And yet, we were both still committed.
Marriage is Hard
We didn’t stay married because it was easy.
We stayed because Jesus was still in the room—even when we weren’t sure we could feel Him.
The world says if it’s too hard, maybe it’s not meant to be. That if love requires too much effort, you must be doing it wrong. But here’s the truth: marriage is hard—just not in the way people often think.
So what do we really mean when we say marriage is hard?
We don’t mean it’s physically hard (though raising toddlers on no sleep might qualify some days). We mean it’s emotionally hard.
It’s hard because being vulnerable is hard.
Admitting where I’m broken is hard.
Repenting for my part—not just saying “sorry,” but actually hearing how I’ve hurt my husband, taking it seriously, and doing the deep work to change—is really hard.
Marriage is hard because it requires two people who are willing to go through that process—over and over again—for the rest of their lives. Together.
And the truth is, people don’t walk away from marriage because of money or work or the kids. They walk away because the work to repair those things is emotional.
It’s hard emotionally.
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Marriage Transforms Us
Somewhere along the way, we bought the lie that being seen, known, and challenged in our weaknesses should feel comfortable. That if it hurts, it must be wrong. That if it’s uncomfortable, something’s broken. But here’s the truth: comfort isn’t the goal of love. Growth is.
Love was never meant to be comfortable.
Love is meant to be transformational.
And transformation is almost always uncomfortable.
It stretches us.
It brings things to the surface we’d rather keep buried.
It exposes our pride, our shame, our coping strategies that once helped us survive but now keep us from connecting.
When you’re truly known—fully seen in both your beauty and your brokenness—there’s nowhere to hide. And that’s terrifying. But it’s also where intimacy is born.
Abiding, Agape, All-In Love that Lasts
Real love says, I see that part of you—and I’m not leaving.
It says, You don’t have to be perfect to be worthy of connection.
And it says, Let’s grow together, even if it’s messy, even if it’s hard, even if we get it wrong along the way.
That kind of love will confront you.
It will humble you.
And if you let it, it will change you from the inside out.
Because the most life-giving relationships aren’t the ones that always feel good.
They’re the ones that make you more good—more whole, more honest, more healed, more like Christ.
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2 Conflict Resolution Truths to Remember
For me and my husband, the secret sauce that keeps the hard manageable boils down to two things:
1.) We Can Be Right and Wrong
First, we’ve learned to start with this foundational truth: we are both right, and we are both wrong. There’s space for both perspectives at the table, and when we stop fighting to be right and start fighting for understanding, healing begins.
2.) Jesus is with Us
Second—and most important—Jesus is with us in the hard.
He came, died, and rose again not just so we could go to heaven, but so He could be with us right here in the messy middle. He meets us in our vulnerable places and brings supernatural healing that no marriage book, counselor, or self-help trick could ever manufacture.
We don’t endure the hard alone. We endure it with the One who makes beauty from ashes and brings dead things—including hope in a broken moment—back to life.
So if you’re in a season where the silence feels louder than the love, take heart. Sometimes, the breakthrough isn’t in being right—it’s in being willing to believe your partner might be right, too.
Not instead of you.
Alongside you.
Related Post: 4 Ways to Love Your Husband Like Jesus
It’s not about winning. It’s about witnessing—seeing the truth of your partner’s pain, and allowing yours to be seen, too.
There is sacred ground in doing hard things together.
4 Conflict Resolution Tools to Try
So where do you start when you feel stuck?
These are some things my husband and I try to do in those tender moments—and they’re also tools I use with my clients when emotions feel high and clarity feels out of reach.
None of these are magic bullets, and they won’t fix everything overnight. But they create a crack in the wall—a way to reach for connection when you feel too raw to talk.
Start with the one that feels easiest to you, and go from there.
- Try one sentence:
“I’m hurting, and I miss you.”
It’s vulnerable, but it shifts the energy from defense to desire. - Ask one gentle question:
“Can you help me understand what you’re feeling right now?”
This tells your partner you’re not here to win—you’re here to understand. - Offer one olive branch:
“What’s one thing I could do this week to make you feel loved again?”
Simple, sincere, and often disarming in the best way. - Pray one honest prayer:
“Jesus, help me stay soft when I want to shut down.”
He is near to the brokenhearted. He can handle the mess—and bring peace into it.
These aren’t conflict resolution performance tools. They’re permission slips—to show up imperfectly, to soften even when you’re scared, and to believe there’s still something worth rebuilding.
You don’t have to do it all.
You just have to be willing to start.
How Do You Handle Conflict Resolution?
When conflict resolution happens in your marriage, how do you handle it? Which of the four “starting points” feels most doable right now? I’d love to hear your thoughts—let’s grow through the hard together.
Meet Kia
Kia Gutierrez is a marriage and family therapist with a passion for helping couples navigate the challenges of marriage through emotional intelligence and faith. Drawing from her professional expertise, personal experience as a wife and mother, and her background as a missionary, Kia brings a trauma-informed perspective to her work. She encourages couples to grow through difficult seasons with Jesus at the center, fostering communication, understanding, and healing in relationships. Kia empowers couples to be married well—even when it’s tough—building stronger, more resilient partnerships that can weather any storm.
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