A Grieving Heart
I am by no means an expert when it comes to grieving. In fact, I would say I am the exact opposite. I have never been one to “feel” my emotions. I thought I perfected the art of stuffing my emotions.
It turns out, not so much.
There have been times that I let grief own me. I got stuck in a rut that I could not find my way out of. I could not figure out how to make any movement in the right direction. I remember feeling nothing but numb.
My husband and I lost a baby in December 2023.
A baby that I had prayed for about ten years ago.
My Story
Here’s the deal, I quit praying for a baby as I approached my forties. I struggled with fertility issues such as PCOS, low progesterone and recurrent miscarriages. Let me tell you, there was a Biblical Sarah and Abraham moment for me upon multiple positive pregnancy tests at the geriatric age of 43.
I thought ClearBlue Easy and EPT were in a conspiracy against me because a pregnancy at forty-three could not be real. After a ridiculous amount of at home pregnancy tests, I could not deny what was in front of me. I felt all the things. Disbelief. Denial. Joy. Fear.
Our God does not adhere to our timing. In some weird way, I think that it is almost funny that we actually think He is working on our timeline. I actually thought if I prayed hard enough and often enough my timing would prevail. In fact, my prayer for my thirties was for a pregnancy was God was front and center and I surrendered to Him and actually fully embraced and enjoyed a pregnancy.
Related Post: 11 Bible Verses about God’s Timing
Do not get me get me wrong, I enjoyed my pregnancies with Kinsley and the twins, Brody and Brogan. Sadly, I did not put God first in those pregnancies. I was a frequently living in a state of fear the majority of both pregnancies. I prayed, but those prayers were centered around fear of the unknown.
Giving It To Jesus
Last year, our family received the miracle I prayed for…a pregnancy where God was at the center.
I laid all my fears and tears at the feet of Jesus with this pregnancy. I surrendered and let God lead. I stepped out of my comfort zone and let friends join in prayer. We did not get the outcome every expectant parent hopes for.
We also did not miss the miracle. A natural pregnancy at 43 after struggles with fertility and losses. Our baby had a heartbeat even though the pregnancy was ectopic and was in the fallopian tube near the ovary. This would be my second ectopic pregnancy twenty years apart.
I mean, I did things differently this time around.
Bitter Grieving
I am not going to say I did things correctly. I did not get mad at God initially anyway. Instead, all my hurt, anger and feelings of resentment were all directed at my husband.
He got the extensive wrath of all my anger and resentment. He got to see the very worst of me. He got to see a mom who desperately longed to hold a baby that she had been praying would come for over a decade. My husband saw his wife be consumed in a deep depressive state of sadness. He also got to see me completely numb and out of touch with any sort of reality.
You know, I tried all the things to cope. I tried to make light of the situation. I tried to be funny. I tried to pretend nothing happened.
I tried and failed miserably.
This was not something that I could stuff in the box to deal with later. Let me tell you, I sure tried. I finally surrendered and took on the dance of grieving.
The Personal Grieving Process
Grieving is a process. It is a very personal process. No two people will ever grieve exactly the same.
My husband and I grieved the loss of this baby in very different ways. He pressed in to God. I pressed into my sadness and walking the path of grief. We drifted as I tried to deal with the grief on my own. I did not think he truly understood my grief as he was not outwardly grieving as I was. Honestly, it fueled my anger towards him.
I am not going to lie, my life was out of control for a while until I sought help. I experienced loss and grief before, but this time was very different. I could not move past the intense hurt and pain I felt. Not physical pain. The pain was truly like no other. My heart felt like it had been broken, literally. I cried all the time. I was stuck and I did not see a way out.
Related Post: Only Jesus Can Heal the Pain in My Aching Heart
I prayed and sought God during this time. I knew He was ever present during this time. I also knew that He was guiding me but I had a lot of hard work to do. You see, before this all happened, I had developed a hard heart- especially towards my husband. My heart was being healed inside and out and I had no idea for quite some time what was actually happening.
I began working on true forgiveness and it was messy. At the beginning of this journey, I began dealing with emotions that I did not want released from the box.
Moving Forward Through Grief
I do not have all the answers, not do I have it all figured out, but I am making progress. I am leaning on my husband during my grief and learning that my walk with grief is not the same as his. I am growing and healing like I never though possible. I am learning that I can grow closer to God during the grief and healing and still have questions and that does not mean that I am a failure as a believer and that it actually is the opposite.
For me, as I grow in my faith, I am filled with more questions that answers as I go deeper. I am a answers and tie the bow and put in the shelf person. That is not faith. Faith cannot be boxed in. Just as grief cannot be boxed in.
In order for healing to truly take place it has been YOUR journey. There is no textbook with answers on how you should travel down a very lonely road of grief. Let me tell you, I am really good at isolation. With times are tough and challenging, I tend to withdraw. This is both a good thing and a bad thing. Grief is also a very lonely place to be. Typically, because the grief involves a loved one.
Christmas Grief
This year, I thought we would be celebrating a little one’s first Christmas. My heart is smiling to know that our little baby is celebrating their first Christmas in Heaven. As a mom, I am jealous. I am jealous that our home is not filled with a sweet baby that we are all loving on and gushing over. But I am also a mom jealous that my sweet angel is celebrating their first Christmas amongst the angels.
Related Post: Grief and Hope During the Most Wonderful Time of the Year
I am still grieving. I think grief is within our hearts at some level, but we grow in that grief. I could not imagine experiencing this type of grief and not having a relationship with Jesus. During the last year, there have been times I acted foolish, said things that were ridiculous and should not have been repeated out loud and was beyond feral.
My heart aches for those of you grieving. Like I said, I do not have all the answers, and I am far from an expert, but I see YOU and your aching heart.
5 Things To Do When You’re Grieving
- Find a good support system that will pray with you and for you.
- Pray. Sweet sister, pray like you have never prayed before. When it feels like enough, keep going.
- Worship music has a way of penetrating the deep layers of even a hardened heart, this I know from experience.
- Go somewhere quiet and sit with it. Get your Bible out and soak in His words to you.
- Then rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat, over and over.
I will leave you with a verse that speaks to my heart. Romans 8:18, ‘Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory He will reveal to us later.’ I did not always find this verse one that gave me hope in all honesty.
Life Happens & Sometimes it Hurts
Grief, hurts, frustrations, challenges are all a part of the human experience. If you have not experienced these then bless your little heart. I chose to press in because I want to experience His glory for eternity.
When I chose Jesus over my own faith during my personal experience with grief, it lit a fire within me. I chose to forgive myself as a part of grieving. I felt guilty that my life was being spared to end the pregnancy. I struggled with the fact that there was a heartbeat and I had to agree to end the pregnancy to basically keep me from a life threatening situation.
Choosing to forgive myself was what allowed me to turn a corner and allow myself to continue to move forward in the grieving process. I am terrible at forgiveness. I am the queen of holding grudges and I look at things from a legalistic approach.
Grief & Joy
I am working on true joyfulness not a plastered on mask of happiness. In the past, I did not believe that grief and joy could walk together, but I am here to tell you they can. My joy comes from my relationship with Jesus and know that there will be challenges and trials, but the challenges and trials do not define nor take my joy.
Our family will be welcoming a little kiddo or possible two in the New Year thanks to foster care. We should be finishing up our final licensing requirements and away we go. I cannot help but to think our hearts were being prepped for this new adventure. More to come on this journey.
30-Day Scripture Writing Plan
With All His Heart
God loves you with all His heart. What does that look like? Take a deeper look at God’s love for you in this 30-day Scripture journal from the desk of Heather Hart. You won’t just find Scriptures about the love of God, but Scriptures that show His love in action.
Grab your Bible and a pen. It’s time to dig into God’s Word and let Jesus invade your life with this 30-Day Scripture writing plan.
